Monday, January 18, 2016

We Are What God Made Us

I am borrowing from fellow Catholic blogger today, Julie Davis over at Happy Catholic, a quote she had from Caryll Houselander.  I thought it really described my mood the last several days and helped me over the edge of disgust with myself:

"There is one big thing we can do with God's help, that is, we can trust God's plan, we can put aside any quibbling or bitterness about ourselves and what we are.

We can accept and seize upon the fact that what we are at this moment, young or old, strong or weak, mild or passionate, beautiful or ugly, clever or stupid, is planned to be like that. Whatever we are gives form to the emptiness in us which can only be filled by God, and which God is even now waiting to fill."
                                                                               Caryll Houselander
Because you see we all have one or several of those days when we feel we're just not getting it right; getting what we are supposed to be, what God wants us to be, or even what we think we are.  Sometimes it's a fight to just get up in the morning!
  Yesterday was just that day for me. I was going to teach my Confirmation class all on my own, my own way and I was looking forward to it. I had everything ready; my lesson plan, activities, enthusiasm...and I fell flat.  Yes, flat. I have no idea what happened. I began my lesson and instantly I knew it wasn't there, 'it' being whatever was supposed to burst out of me from the Holy Spirit and inspire my talk.  I had prepared, I had prayed.  I have no idea what happened. But 'it' didn't happen.  I felt like I was drowning, my head kept bobbing up to the surface for air, but I wasn't getting anywhere.  It reminded me of my panic when, during my family's trip down the Arkansas River in Colorado, two of my kids and I were thrown out of the raft we were riding in.  Thankfully my two kids surfaced right away but I got stuck under the boat and it took me few more seconds to get to the surface.  My talk was beginning to feel like that feeling I had under the boat, panicked, struggling for air.   Come on Holy Spirit, what am I doing wrong? By the time class ended I was exhausted, near tears and never wanted to teach a class again.  I felt I had failed God miserably. 
  There are times when even if we're in the place God wants us to be, we still aren't going to get things exactly right at least in our way of thinking. But we have no way of knowing what His plan is for us or how He is going to use us.  We just have to keep going, doing His work and hope He can make the best out of what we have to offer.  It's hard not to feel like giving up, yet we cannot do that. Just like Jesus, we follow the Father's call and do what He asks.  It's not up to US to make it useful, that's God's doing. 

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