Have you ever had that Angel on one Shoulder, Devil on the other Shoulder discussion with yourself? It feels like a war going on inside yourself? You know you should choose happy over mad, joy over hurt, but sometimes it's so darn hard to not get caught up in selfish feelings.
This week I am struggling majorly with that. I have the opportunity to make peace happen, to entertain joy and not have regrets. Why, you may ask, would I choose to be anything but happy or joyous? Well, for one I feel slighted, hurt, not thought of. Aren't those good enough reasons to sit out and sulk, fold my arms in defense and pout? Stupid as it sounds, that's been my line of reasoning.
And honestly up until a few months ago that was how I always approached anything that wasn't going my way. I would get mad, sad, weepy or drag up the old, "Nobody ever understands me" line from the deep wells of sadness and despair. Then my husband would rattle my cage and say, "Just what is so bad in your life that you can't see the happiness more?"
After fuming at him for a few moments for being so cavalier in his happiness, I would grudgingly have to agree. This time I was trying to do it all by myself. I'm a big girl, I can do this. So I told myself. So without further ado, I'm working harder on it. This is not a "pat me on my back, way to go moment!" I am asking you for, not remotely. It's meant as an encouragement. And also if I put this in print, or cyberspace, it means I had better mean what I am saying and not go back on it!
Anyway, suffice to say, my Civility I think is beginning to rub off on me in unsuspected ways, like this today. I actually felt Joy battleing with Anger. I've never recognized that before. I always gave in right away to the anger. But today there was alittle flame of joy struggling very hard to be noticed, to say, "Hey stupid! I'm in here, just let it go and see me!!! Feel me!!! Experience the joy of just letting go the hurt, the past and moving on to think of the future!"
Wow, cute little Joy flame! Grow little friend, and help me!